I'm An All or Nothing Girl.

I'm an all or nothing girl. 

This lesson started about a year ago. It was one that I didn't realize would change the way I looked at the rest of my life, the past, present, and future. It was like putting on a pair of glasses; you never realized just how distorted your vision really was until you could see every detail and line. You didn't realize that the darker lines on people's t-shirts weren't a pattern, but rather they were wrinkles. In a lot of ways, it was nicer to see the world with people wearing patterned shirts rather than wrinkly ones. However, it was all a distortion.

I put on the metaphorical glasses about a year ago. I gave into the fact that I was an emotional disaster; I would bottle up a lot of the more intense emotions and then burst at the slightest thing. Looking back, I honestly don't know how people could stand to be around me. But I began the journey... I began to deny the impulse to shove my feelings down and wait until I was alone in the car for a good two hour cry that had been building up for at least a month. I started to tell myself that it was okay to feel angry about something, even if it was little since I knew the little things just added up. 

This was an extremely difficult time as well. I'm an all or nothing girl. I would allow myself to feel the slightest bit of emotion and it felt like it was tenfold. It's so hard to explain what was happening inside me... I knew that the way I was handling this wasn't the best way either. I sought to find the balance. It began to fall into place... I felt a little more even and a whole lot more in control of myself. It felt good. I was no longer always dwelling on the future to ignore the present hurts. I was experiencing the present, truly experiencing the present. I thought I had really settled into this aspect of life. I had my emotions figured out for, quite possibly, the first time. 

Little did I know... I hadn't quite gotten that balancing act down to a fine art just yet. 

I called my mom in a panic. I couldn't decide whether or not to go to the Career Expo at MSU today or not. It was already past the start time and I was not prepared. My mom said five simple words, "This is not like you." And it hit me... In my pursuit to grow and stretch myself, I lost something that was within the very fabric of my being. I'm a planner. I had tried to deny this tendency throughout this lesson. Planning is what caused me to ignore my emotions, planning is what had created this emotional time bomb... Planning is what got me in trouble. And I'm an all or nothing girl. 

So here I am... Struggling yet again to find a balance between the tendency to plan out every second of my day, always looking to see what needs to happen next, and living in the present, enjoying every minute of the time I have now. 

While writing this, I keep thinking that there has to be a distinction between planning and worrying. I mean, the Lord knew that I was going to be a planner. Matthew 6 tells us not to worry... But we need planners in the world... There has to be a way to plan and not worry.

I'm an all or nothing girl.
And I'm trying to find the balance between all or nothing.