I'm An All or Nothing Girl.

I'm an all or nothing girl. 

This lesson started about a year ago. It was one that I didn't realize would change the way I looked at the rest of my life, the past, present, and future. It was like putting on a pair of glasses; you never realized just how distorted your vision really was until you could see every detail and line. You didn't realize that the darker lines on people's t-shirts weren't a pattern, but rather they were wrinkles. In a lot of ways, it was nicer to see the world with people wearing patterned shirts rather than wrinkly ones. However, it was all a distortion.

I put on the metaphorical glasses about a year ago. I gave into the fact that I was an emotional disaster; I would bottle up a lot of the more intense emotions and then burst at the slightest thing. Looking back, I honestly don't know how people could stand to be around me. But I began the journey... I began to deny the impulse to shove my feelings down and wait until I was alone in the car for a good two hour cry that had been building up for at least a month. I started to tell myself that it was okay to feel angry about something, even if it was little since I knew the little things just added up. 

This was an extremely difficult time as well. I'm an all or nothing girl. I would allow myself to feel the slightest bit of emotion and it felt like it was tenfold. It's so hard to explain what was happening inside me... I knew that the way I was handling this wasn't the best way either. I sought to find the balance. It began to fall into place... I felt a little more even and a whole lot more in control of myself. It felt good. I was no longer always dwelling on the future to ignore the present hurts. I was experiencing the present, truly experiencing the present. I thought I had really settled into this aspect of life. I had my emotions figured out for, quite possibly, the first time. 

Little did I know... I hadn't quite gotten that balancing act down to a fine art just yet. 

I called my mom in a panic. I couldn't decide whether or not to go to the Career Expo at MSU today or not. It was already past the start time and I was not prepared. My mom said five simple words, "This is not like you." And it hit me... In my pursuit to grow and stretch myself, I lost something that was within the very fabric of my being. I'm a planner. I had tried to deny this tendency throughout this lesson. Planning is what caused me to ignore my emotions, planning is what had created this emotional time bomb... Planning is what got me in trouble. And I'm an all or nothing girl. 

So here I am... Struggling yet again to find a balance between the tendency to plan out every second of my day, always looking to see what needs to happen next, and living in the present, enjoying every minute of the time I have now. 

While writing this, I keep thinking that there has to be a distinction between planning and worrying. I mean, the Lord knew that I was going to be a planner. Matthew 6 tells us not to worry... But we need planners in the world... There has to be a way to plan and not worry.

I'm an all or nothing girl.
And I'm trying to find the balance between all or nothing.

Fear

I was sitting here wishing that I had something interesting to write about. 
 I realized this: 

We often times think about our day-to-day lives as something so mundane. We say that nothing exciting happens; we tell everyone that it's the same old, same old. And then we look back, even a week later, and long to go back because it was a better week last week than this one. Or we say that we wish we could go back to freshman year instead of cherishing the time and place that we are currently in. 

I have been doing this lately... I had a conversation with a fellow student in one of my classes and he said he was a freshman... I said to him, "Man. Lucky! I wish I could go back... Enjoy it while it lasts because it will go by so fast." It was something that I had heard going into college and it didn't hit me how very true that statement is until now. The encouragement to enjoy it while it lasts is a good one, I think, definitely nothing wrong with that statement. It was the statement "I wish I could go back..." that really punched me in the face. 

I worked my way up to being a senior. I've reached my last semester. I made it. I've arrived at the moment that every college freshman desires. And here I am desperately wishing I didn't have to look ahead to the scary, vast Big Kid World that is rushing toward me. But honestly, what better place to be?

Because the fact of the matter is... I may be an upperclassman on campus, with experience and knowledge that comes with being here for four years, and with that feel entitled. In the Big Kid World, however, I am less than a freshman - I am a college graduate with little to no experience who has been living "in a bubble" for the past four years. If that doesn't stir up fear, I don't know what will. 

There in lies the root of the problem. Fear. Worry. Stress. Fear of the Unknown. Worry about the Future. Stress about the Present. But with problems come solutions... Knowledge can be gathered, fear can be cast upon the shoulders of my Beloved, and I can worry and stress less about the days to come. And not only that, but I can think about what lessons the Lord has taught me, how much I have grown as a person, the talents that my professors have helped me cultivate, and the opportunities that I have received. All these things to help me realize that I am more equipped for the Big Kid World than my fear leads me to believe. Now let's see if I can conquer that fear for real...



 Freshman Year

 
Senior Year

Self Control

I've really learned a lot about myself since I started this blog several years ago and the biggest thing is that I truly want to be good about writing on a consistent basis, but that I'm pretty much seriously awful when it comes to that. 

I like the idea of writing something profound, truly making an impact on someone's life because of something I said. I think that is something that a lot of people desire, for their words, for their life to mean something to someone, anyone. A little piece of me says that I'm not doing that when I blog... Really, what kind of meaning could my words about my simple life have on someone? Then it hit me... The blog isn't necessarily for someone else -- sure, sure... I share it with the world (heck, it's on the internet and that means pretty much anyone in the world could see it). But in reality, I get so much more for myself when I blog. Selfish? Perhaps just a little bit... On the other hand, being open and vulnerable can perhaps give someone else a little something as well. 

If one were to talk to the great artists and literary figures, I'm fairly certain they would say they worked hard because they enjoyed it. C.S. Lewis probably enjoyed diving into the world of Narnia (how could you not!?); Jackson Pollock might have told you that he enjoyed his crazy, messy paintings. Do they mean something to someone? Yes, yes, they do.

Honestly, I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this... I guess just that we, as Christians, often shout out loud that we're not supposed to enjoy ourselves -- we're not being true Christians if we aren't constantly sitting in prayer or reading our Bibles. We give into the belief that if we're not in a continual state of "sanctification," that we're not doing what the Lord wants us to do. Often times I sit back after enjoying a good cup of coffee, that I probably shouldn't have purchased; or after I just spent the majority of my weekend watching Top Gear, when I should have been doing homework or I could have been spending time with the Lord... I sit back and think, "I probably shouldn't have done that..." But then again...

There's a balance, obviously. To be honest, I'm really sucking it up... I'm overweight, which tells everyone that I give into my temptations to eat pasta, bread, and too many cookies. I enjoy reading, which tends to lean toward far too many sedentary evenings. And I'm a people person (for the most part) and I find my joy in spending time with others - sometimes to the point of putting off homework and my quiet time. So where is the line? I have really been struggling with this.

Recently I started doing two-a-day workouts to kick start a habit of working out every single day and really get healthy. I decided for 28 days I was going to give up all refined sugar and eating out and complete two workouts every weekday. This did not last long due to The Roommate wanting chocolate and Subway within the first week. I struggled with my desire to eat meals with her and maintaining my fast. The People-Person in me won out and I caved. Does this make me a terrible person? I felt guilty about it and gradually realized that my self control was really the issue here... It can be devastating to relationships (not only with other people, but with the Lord) to give in every single time.

I like to think of myself as great at balancing everything in my life. I am organized, I got this life stuff figured out. But...

I'm really struggling with self control. And that's a harsh reality to realize.